My OCD Recovery: The Intrusive Thought That Started It All

Living With OCD: My Ongoing Journey to Healing

The Day Everything Changed

My journey with OCD started just after my 25th birthday — it was like my prefrontal cortex suddenly developed and went, "Hiiiiiii, we’re here now!" And let me tell you, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

One day I felt completely normal (well, what I thought was normal), and the next, I was in complete and utter distress. It was like someone flipped a dormant switch in my head.

The very first anxiety-provoking thought I had was:

“What if I’m gay?”

That single thought marked the beginning of my battle with OCD — and I will remember that moment for the rest of my life.

When OCD Latches Onto What You Love

At that point in my life, my biggest fear was losing my boyfriend because I thought I might be gay. My obsessions flipped between ROCD and HOCD. OCD has this way of latching onto what you love most — and creating intense doubt around it. The technical term is antagonistic.

Life got hard, fast.

All the routines and habits I’d spent my early twenties building? Gone.

Every waking moment — from the second I opened my eyes to the moment I finally passed out — was pure panic. It was like living in a never-ending emergency.

My Body Was in Full-Blown Alarm Mode

I was riddled with anxiety symptoms:

• Shaky hands

• A tight chest (like someone was sitting on it)

• Racing heart

• Excessive sweating

• That dreaded anxious belly

• Racing thoughts

• Full-on panic attacks

Searching for a Way Out

After months of trying everything to escape this personal hell — including turning to drugs — nothing worked. I compulsively searched online, desperate to find someone who had gone through anything remotely similar. I saw doctor after doctor, bouncing between psychologists, repeating my story again and again.

Most of the time, it felt like no one understood. They didn’t say I was crazy — but honestly, they didn’t need to.

Most suggested I see a psychiatrist, which I took as code for “We’re not qualified to help you.” I refused. I didn’t want to be shoved full of meds and pushed out the door. And if you live in Australia, you know psychiatry isn’t cheap.

Finally, Someone Got It

Then I met the psychologist who would go on to save my life.

In our very first session, she said,

“I think you have OCD.”

I burst into tears and said,

“But I’m not a germaphobe — I don’t understand.”

She explained what OCD really is and how it can show up in different ways. We walked through some of the behaviours I’d developed over the years — and suddenly, it all made sense. OCD had been driving those behaviours all along.

That Pivotal Moment

This was huge for me. I’d been seeing psychologists since I was a teen, and every time, I was told,

“You just have anxiety.”

But I didn’t just have anxiety.

Hearing the actual diagnosis gave me so much relief. I still had work to do — but knowing there was a name for what I was going through, and that I wasn’t “crazy,” was incredibly comforting.

Step One: Calm the Body

After a few sessions of building trust and wrapping my head around the diagnosis, it was time to start the real work.

Step one was helping my body calm down enough to function.

We worked on ways to physically reduce anxiety.

At first, I thought,

“These silly little exercises aren’t going to do anything.”

But I was wrong.

(I’ve actually put together a free worksheet with everything that helped me calm my body — you can grab it here.)

Step Two: Rewire the Brain

Once my body was a little calmer, it was time to address what was going on in my mind.

My psychologist handed me a worksheet and said:

“Answer these questions every time you feel anxious.”

So I did. Over and over and over again.

Even when I didn’t feel like it.

Even when it made me more anxious.

Eventually, my thoughts started to lose their grip.

I had trained my brain to automatically do what the questions were asking — to look at things logically instead of spiraling.

A Realistic Perspective

I’m not going to lie to you. This isn’t some magical cure.

I still get anxious sometimes — because anxiety is a normal human emotion. And no matter how much we fight it (which usually makes it worse), we can’t erase it.

One of my favourite sayings is:

“The only way out is through.”

And wow, is that true when it comes to anxiety.

The sooner you stop resisting it, the sooner your healing can begin.

What Helped Me Most

Eventually, I created a guide based on everything I learned — but it’s not just a worksheet. Honestly, I found the worksheet too impractical for daily life.

So I built a system I could actually use.

And I still use it today — to challenge negative thought patterns and to keep OCD from sneaking back in.

I’m not a guru. I’m not selling a perfect life.

I’m just an average girl dealing with normal life struggles, who wants to help others feel less alone.

If any part of this story resonates with you, you can get access to my guide [here].

Love always, Ash x